I just had a big cry a few hours ago during a yoga class. It had all the classic traits: big, fat tears, snot, sobs, and to top it all off, I judged myself for the tears, for being a wimp and wondered why I was still swimming in these turbulent waters 6 years after the trauma event? Argh!
I have heard many women say that they have cried during their yoga class too.
I haven’t had an easy relationship with tears or crying. I remember my father telling me that I shouldn’t be such a crybaby when I was about 8 or 9, so I vowed to never cry in front of anyone ever again.
I hardened myself to not feel. I became tough to the point that I couldn’t understand why a friend was crying when her boyfriend broke up with her. I thought she was wasting her time and being a wimp (internalized papa wisdom in action)
It wasn’t until my mid-20s that crying came up again in a conversation. A friend was sharing how she liked to have a good cry. “Why would you want to have a good cry?” I wondered.
I couldn’t understand the purpose of crying that way, however, her words hit on something deeper in me.
It was then that I decided to revisit my relationship with tears and crying.
I‘m still not comfortable crying but the tears no longer care if I am at ease with them or not. They come during sappy scenes in movies, they come in tender moments with loved ones and they come when I move my body in yoga.
They are teaching me that in some places, I am still sad, hurt, and healing. That even though my mind is free, my body experienced things that it is still working its way through. And that this body, my body needs to cry sometimes to become free.
Today’s tears were especially healing because a dear friend who was also in the class wrapped her arms around me and created such safety that I could let go of my resistance to crying in public and heal the part of me that was hurt.
My eyes are a little puffy still but I can feel a quiet settling where turbulence ruled just below the surface of my awareness. I feel the pull to become quieter and more still, to close my eyes and allow the peace to fill me.
I wrote this post in part to honour the journeys we are all on and to recognize that some parts of the journey are arduous, so fraught with uncertainty and in such darkness that we believe we are all alone. That was me today in yoga class and with the help of a friend I was able to cry and find my way back.
It is my hope that if you find yourself in such a place that you will have: a good friend, a way to move your body to find those tears to cry and in turn for the healing to unfold.
I send you, my blessings.
Phew! That was a challenging post to write. Now your turn. Do you find it easy to cry? Or do you avoid tears? I know people who cry beautifully and others who just let it rip. Whatever your relationship to tears we’d love to hear from you.