I want to express my gratitude for joining me on this ongoing journey into the profound topic of death and dying. While it may seem somber, we can all agree on its immense importance. As you read through this post, you will probably come across memories and personal encounters with death and dying.
I invite you to embrace your courage and take a few moments to reflect on how these experiences have influenced your life and how you feel right now about those memories and experiences. It’s an opportunity for self-discovery and a chance to deepen our understanding together.
My fascination with death began long before I consciously acknowledged it. Reflecting on the past few weeks, I realized that this quiet obsession has been with me since childhood. It stems from a vivid memory during our time in India when I was around four or five years old. I recall a warm, dark night, no electricity, and an air of commotion surrounding me. The figures moving to and from the bedroom in the farmhouse, their forms barely discernible in the darkness.
In that confusing, anxiety-filled air, I witnessed someone carrying a bucket filled with ashes and blood from my mother’s bedroom. The acrid smell penetrated my senses. I was gripped with panic and concluded: “Mum is dying. I am dying too.” Overwhelmed by terror, I found myself frozen, unable to move or speak, holding my breath.
The fear of death haunted me from that point onward. Every time a loved one fell ill or was injured, I would brace myself for their imminent demise. I constantly searched for signs of affliction, illness, or conflict that could potentially lead to death. My mission became to find remedies, prayers, or the latest scientific breakthroughs to avert such fates. Later, in my early twenties, I delved into literature on death and dying, developed an interest in past lives, and explored the works of Elizabeth Kubler Ross, longevity, and transcendence.
Interestingly, these actions and thoughts occurred almost unconsciously, operating beneath the radar of my conscious mind. It is only in recent years, as I experienced the loss of loved ones, that I began to untangle the profound impact of these childhood experiences.
As I continue my personal journey of understanding death and dying, Havana’s passing reminds me of the intricate relationship between life and mortality. By confronting my deep-rooted fears and understanding the unconscious patterns that shaped my perspective, I hope to uncover a path towards peace, acceptance, and a fuller appreciation of loved ones and being alive.
In Part Four of this series, I will delve deeper into the wisdom I have gained from Havana and how it connects to my ongoing exploration. Stay tuned for the next installment, on where I stand today on the subject of death and dying. Thank you for accompanying me on this introspective voyage.
With Love,
Navjit